Wednesday, December 15, 2010


Elton John songs

have been getting a right pasting recently, thanks in part to an Elton John-themed night on the X Factor.

There's more: I really don't like the Ellie Goulding cover of Your song that's doing well in the charts at the moment, for a number of reasons.

1. The whole way she's marketed: "Ooh, look how wholesome she is!" The video that accompanies the song is especially nauseating, showing her wandering around a coastline in knitwear, looking baffled by lighthouses. Great, she's wrapped up warm. Amazing.

"No, look - she hasn't dyed her roots! How innocent she is!" Yes, that's a lovely natural look.

"She's got kittens!!!"

To be honest, I quite like cats and I tend to wrap up warm when going outside in cold weather. I don't go round sticking it down people's throats though. Perhaps that's the difference between wholesome and fulsome.

2. The backing track sounds like it's been dumbed down for grade one keyboards.

3. The words have been changed, and they make even less sense:

I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind,
that I put down in words,
how wonderful life is
now you're in the world

Does this mean she's got the horn for a newborn child? If so, that's rather a big departure from the 'wholesome' thing.


Meanwhile, I'm hard at work on my own version of Candle in the wind, in which Prince Charles's role in Di's death is played up:

And it seems to me you killed your wife
like a royal assassin
you couldn't wait for natural causes
so you did her in

And I'd really like to prove it
but there's no evidence
her head went through a steering wheel
not on a fifty pence

(de-de de-de de-de-de deeeh)

Disclaimer: Look - kittens!!!

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Wednesday, December 08, 2010


Sunday evening with the McKeowns

Waiting for dinner, there's some programme about the annual lambing on TV. Lots of cute little lambs. Lots of them.

ME: Pah, knock that one on the head and have him in the pot.

DAD: Don't be vile!

ME: You pussy. (Raises voice) Mu-um! Tell Dad to stop being a pussy!

MUM (from the kitchen): That will do, Daniel!


ME: You got me in trouble with Mum now. You arsehole.


We weren't being rancorous, this passes for levity amongst McKeowns. You should see us at Christmas dinner.


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